Naughty Valentine's Day Gift Ideas For Kinky Couples

The doldrums of winter may be upon us, but don’t despair as Lupercalia Day approaches….

Say what?

Right! We mean “Valentine’s Day,” which replaced Lupercalia Day back in the fifth century, after the Pope decided it was time once and for all to end a mid-February pagan holiday that had been celebrated for centuries. Probably not a bad decision as celebrating Lupercalia involved naked men, dog and goat sacrifices, and whipping young virgin girls with the flayed flesh of the sacrificed to promote fertility.

Yeah, today’s traditions of honoring loved ones with gifts of flowers, candy, sex toys, kinky gifts, and Valentine’s Day cards seems far more palatable—not to mention much more likely to promote fertility, or, at the least, fertility inducing activity.

With this in mind, we offer you the following naughty gift ideas to help you and your Valentine get jiggy and get your kink on, no matter what that may be:

Sqweel Go

Perfect for the man in your life who tends to get tongue cramps when working on your love button and associated areas, or for any woman who just can’t get enough tongue when and where they want it, the Sqweel Go features 10 little tongues that never get tired of giving you a licking. Compact, lightweight, USB rechargeable, you can take this love toy with you everywhere and use it anywhere that you feel deserves a good, long licking. Its purported effect is supported by reviewers who note that part of the Sqweel’s appeal is that it provides a different sensation than a vibrator or dildo. 

Lioness Smart Vibrator

Perfect for tech geeks or those who like to constantly monitor bodily function indicators (Fitbit), the Lioness Smart Vibrator links to an app on your smartphone so that your lover can monitor their arousal levels and bodily movements while engaging in a little how-deep-can-this-puppy-go. Temperature, accelerometer, and gyroscope sensors in the vibrator track various indicators of arousal and orgasm and transmit them to the app so that your loved one can see how sex with the vibrator—solo or with a little help from you—is going.

The app can even provide you a visual representation of your orgasm. Just don’t get too distracted by all that incoming data, lest you lose that building orgasm.  

Crave Razor Silver ‘Sensation Tool’

Dunno, but this sex toy strikes us as one that may be more apt for you lovers of a more Medieval mind. One look at it made us think that there’s no way in hell that that implement of distress—ahem, sex toy—is coming anywhere near our nether regions, but, hey, different strokes for different folks, right? Anyhow, this “luxury pleasure” Sensation Tool uses a hook and pin wheel to stimulate your senses, presumably where you are most sensitive.

Bondage Tape

Yeah, we know what you’re thinking: What’s wrong with duct tape?

Well, nothing we suppose, as long as you and your loved one truly want to ensure bondage and don’t mind a little pain when trying to remove it. The selling feature of Fetish Fantasy Series’ “Pleasure Tape” is that it only sticks to itself, doesn’t stick to body hair, and can be used over and over again. No word on whether it is machine washable.

Silicone Penis Cage & Ring Set

If you’ve always wanted to cage your man, you can fulfill your dream this Valentine’s Day by giving him a Lover’s Cage. Caging your man’s manhood and the twins in this wrap-around cage provides ribbed pleasure for both, enhanced by a heart-shaped, battery powered, multi-speed tickler on top that vibrates his cage while licking your love button.   

Inez And Olga

If you really want to make an impression on the woman of your life, consider dazzling her with the “ultimate in luxurious indulgence,” the INEZ G-spot vibrator. Defined by “decadence and elegance,” the 24-karot gold-plated INEZ is perfect “for those who understand that you can’t put a price on pleasure.” If you’ve got that understanding, we hope that you’ve got the $17,900 you’re going to need to follow it up with it. If not, then for a much more modest $3,990 you can buy your beloved the 24-karot gold OLGA massager, which offers “refined and sophisticated personal pleasure fit for a queen.”

Orgasmatron 3000 Washing Machine

Who knew that washing clothes could be so much fun? Well, apparently the vibrations made by a washing machine are especially stimulating for women, so next time you’re looking to try something new, consider a little spin cycle copulation (just don’t fall off). To really up your game for Valentine’s Day, though, you can buy your beloved the Orgasmatron 3000, a black-leather wrapped washer with a saddle on top, and six different orgasm settings.

We’re not sure if the Orgasmatron’s creator, Dominic Wilcox, has actually sold any, but the machine has been displayed in an art museum or two, and the designer/inventor/artist does sell his work. 

Now that we’ve helped you find the perfect Valentine’s Day gift to help you and your loved one get your kink on, don’t forget the Valentine’s Day card. Sleazy Greetings has plenty of VD card options, one of which will undoubtedly prove perfectly complimentary with your chosen gift.