Valentine’s Day fast approaches and you’re—gasp!—single. Whatcha gonna do?
Well, that all depends upon exactly what you are looking for and your distinct state of singleton-ness. In short, are you looking for true love, a cold-weather-month bedmate, or just a quick toss in the hay because you haven’t played nether-region bump, pump ‘n grind in what feels like a decade? Additionally, are you:
- Happily rid of a long-term waste of bed space?
- Recently and unceremoniously dumped?
- Single by choice?
- Unlucky in love?
- Horizontally challenged?
Whatever the case, if you’ve got a love interest or get-between-the-sheets target in mind, you could consider warming them up with one of our Dirty Valentine’s Day Cards. In this day and age of texting and social media communications, such personal and old-school courtship methods could prove endearing enough to help you get what you want this VD. Of course, you better get on it because, well, snail mail; and, Cupid Day fast approaches.
Other than that, and despite your situational singleness, you might just have to resort to traditional pick-up lines in your efforts to find true love or orgasmic nirvana. And we here at Sleazy Greetings are more than happy to help. Read on for our non-proprietary list of Valentine’s Day pickup lines tailored exclusively for your distinct state of singleness (though please note that some lines can be utilized with more than one category):
Seeking True Love
- “Do you believe in love at first sight, or does Cupid need to hit you with another arrow?”
- “Wow! I’m so smitten by your beauty that I cannot remember my pickup line.”
- “Well, here I am. What are your other two wishes?”
- “Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?”
Alternatively, and you’re feeling brave enough, approach your true love interest, just say “hi,” and try to confess your interest without too much love-smitten emotion or anything else that might raise apprehension about potential stalking. And yeah, this approach is way easier said than done. The author confesses that he tried this back in university with one of the true-loves of his dreams and proceeded to blubber a string of incomprehensible syllables. She moved away quickly, and a couple of subsequent attempts over a period of two years led to similar results.
- “Feel this—(present arm or other bodily part)—now that’s girlfriend material.”
You can substitute “girlfriend” for “boyfriend,” but in this age be careful about what body part you present, or, if offered, touch.
- “Excuse me, can you spare a few minutes so I can hit on you?”
- “I must be in a museum because you are surely a work of art.”
- “You’re sweeter than chocolate and hotter than heart candies.”
- “Hey, do you wanna make this the best Valentine’s Day ever by laughing about the worst Valentine’s days we’ve ever had?”
On this last one, you’d best have an amusing follow-up story about a bad Valentine’s Day to share.
Seeking One Night of Bliss
- “It’s Valentine’s Day—let’s make like fabric softener and Snuggle.”
- "It’s Valentine’s Day and I would have gotten you a box of chocolates, but you already have a sweeter box.”
- “If your right leg was Valentine’s Day and your left leg was Easter, would you let me come over for dinner between the holidays?”
- “You know, if we were to get together tonight, we’d have to pull the fire alarm because we’ll be on fire.”
Have Pretty Much Given Up All Hope of Ever Getting Laid Again
- “Wanna Fuck?”
This may smack of absolute desperation, but some Lotharios swear by it. The theory being that if you keep asking you’re eventually going to find someone just as horny as you, with one-out-of-10 being an oft-cited success ratio. Naturally, the success ratio for a woman positing this pickup line will generally be much, much higher.
A much smoother and gentler rendition of this line is “Wanna get lucky?”—a line this author has used with success under all categories except “true love.”
And that concludes our list, so get out there, get to work, and get lucky! For all of you none-singletons who read this out of curiosity about today’s singleton VD life or to help remind you of past VDs when you may have been solo, we trust you’ll consider one of our Valentine’s Day cards for the love or bone ami in your life.